If sex feels so good, why do I feel so bad?

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If Sex Feels So Good Cover ArtEverywhere you look sex is being hyped. You know… in the movies two people meet and before they even know each other’s last names they’re having sex. You listen to popular music and hear lyrics about sex, sex, sex and how great it is. So what’s wrong with you? You’re having sex, but how do you feel?

Used? Confused? Rejected? Guilty? Angry? Lonely? Scared? Sad?

Guess what? Nothing is wrong with you. In fact, you are like most women your age. If they were really honest like you’re being now, they would say the same thing. If you want to understand why you feel like you do, take this quiz:

First close your eyes and think of a guy who is really hot – someone you would really like to go out with. Now imagine yourself with him in a totally romantic situation. Check which one of the following was on your mind.

1. I thought about holding hands, dancing, walking in the moonlight, talking – something where we were connecting emotionally.

2. I thought about having sex with him.

If you checked number 1, you’re like most other women. Sex is not what you want. What you want is emotional intimacy. You want a relationship, and that’s good!

Many women want guys to care about them. They want a relationship that includes emotional intimacy and physical affection (not intercourse). They long for someone to share their feelings with, someone who cares, someone who loves them for who they are and who accepts them unconditionally.

Many guys just want sex. That is how they are made. They have a very strong sex drive – they think about it a lot. But they don’t have to have sex just because they want it. If they are after sex they will probably put pressure on you to get it.

You want a relationship. You meet a great guy and start dreaming about holding hands, dancing, flowers and notes, you know … all the relationship stuff. The guy wants sex. He offers you the relationship only if you will give him sex. You know the line, “If you love me, prove it by having sex with me.” Wanting the relationship, you give in to the sex. So you both should live happily ever after, right? After all, both of you got what you wanted! Yeah right! That only happens in the movies! 

Once you are sexually active, instead of the relationship getting better, it seems to fall apart. You don’t talk quite as much. Every time you are alone together things go from zero to sex. Then, the inevitable happens, you break up. You and the guy start all over again with someone else … and someone else … and someone else … hearts are broken and people end up feeling used.

Relationships can become a blurred memory. Unless, of course, you are left with something to remember him by – like a disease.

You may say, “Not me, I have only had sex with a few guys, and I really liked them.” But if you have sex with every guy you like now, how many guys will you have had sex with by the time you’re ready to settle down?

Guys come and go – that’s part life. Who you are on the inside, your character, is always with you. Your beliefs, hopes, dreams, values, morals – these are the things that are important. They are what make you who you are. When you know who you are and what your values are, how you feel about yourself doesn’t depend on the guy you’re with. You can look into a mirror and feel good about yourself! But when you have sex, you do something you don’t want to do to please someone else who probably won’t be around long. You’re the loser and you know it.

Now the good news. You can start over! It’s never too late!

If you have already had sex, you might feel like you blew it, so what’s the point? The point is, you can change. Your future is from this moment forward. You can commit to “renewed virginity.” You can start right now and commit to save yourself until you marry. Say “no” to sex and you will say “yes” to …

  1. Self-respect and respect from friends.
  2. Freedom from worrying about sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS.
  3. Freedom from an unexpected pregnancy.
  4. Finding out who you are, what you believe in, and why you are unique.
  5. Relationships based on friendship and mutual respect.

Here are some things you should know:

  1. Understand that only YOU control your body. You don’t “owe” a guy anything because he took you out. You are worth taking out because of who you are on the inside, not what you have to offer.
  2. Make a list of the character traits that are important to you – honesty, loyalty, commitment, kindness, etc. Work on developing these things – they are what make you unique.
  3. Figure out what makes you feel good … when you do well in a sport, when you “ace” a test, when you perform well in a play … things that make you proud. Work on achieving in the areas that make you feel good about yourself. Guy or no guy – you’ll know you’re good!
  4. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes in life. The mature person learns from those mistakes. You can change. You can start over. Your heart can become whole again and you can have meaningful relationships without sex!
  5. Enjoy the look on the guy’s face when you say, “No! I believe in myself, I have plans for my future. I have respect for myself and if you don’t I guess we don’t have a lot to talk about … thanks for the great evening … bye!” Don’t be surprised if he calls and asks you out again – guys like women who respect themselves!