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When a girl brings her baby home from the hospital, it is everyone’s natural reaction to rejoice. How should you react if she comes home empty handed? The shepherding family and the shepherding family mother in particular have been the main source of stability and emotional support for the girl. Therefore, they are in an excellent position to help her through this difficult and awkward period. They can also be instrumental in facilitating healthy grieving and healing. It is helpful to consider the following important aspects of a relinquishing mother’s situation.

Deciding to relinquish a child for adoption is a difficult one. In the past, when a girl became pregnant out of wedlock, it was almost a foregone conclusion that she would give her baby up for adoption. The pregnancy was usually kept secret. The girl simply disappeared for a year to "visit relatives". Today there is a much greater social acceptance of unwed mothers and their children. In fact, it is the girl considering adoption who meets with criticism.

The decision to adopt is usually made only after great soul searching. The girl most often has a genuine concern for her child’s welfare. Thoughtless or negative comments about adoption only make her decision more difficult and compound her feelings of guilt. While a girl cannot be completely sheltered from these comments, the shepherding family parents can take steps to minimize them.

When she is with a Christian family, a girl’s social circle usually consists of members of the church that the family attends. This type of contact can be very supportive and comforting. Unfortunately, it can also be the source of great distress. One unfortunate example comes to mind. We had a young woman who was agonizing over whether or not to relinquish her baby. She was shattered when a woman in the church stated, "I think it is gross for anyone to give away their own flesh and blood". When a family decides to take in a pregnant girl, these plans should be discussed with members of the church and other friends. It should be made known that some of the girls may be considering adoption. Love and support should be encouraged and thoughtful consideration should be given to the girl’s feelings. These people should be asked, though, to refrain from giving their opinion on such important issues as whether or not to adopt.

A girl choosing to relinquish will also face criticism from her peers. This usually happens if the girl is attending high school or a school for expectant mothers. Little can be done to prevent this type of criticism. A warm and supportive atmosphere at home, however, can lessen the impact of these statements.

When a girl comes into a family, she may have already made up her mind to adopt or she may be undecided. In either case, she should confirm or make her decision only after she has worked through all aspects of relinquishing. Many crisis pregnancy services or Christian adoption agencies offer counseling to assist her in making this decision. If no outside counseling is available, there is an excellent set of booklets entitled, "My Baby & Me" available through Loving & Caring, Inc., Box 146 Millersville, PA 17551. These are in a wordbook format and help the girl examine all factors involved in keeping or relinquishing her baby. Some thought provoking books for her to read are "Should I Keep My Baby" by Martha Zimmerman, "Just Like Ice Cream" by Lissa Halls Johnson, "Why Was I Adopted" by Carole Livingstone, and "Dear Birthmother" by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin. These may be obtained through Christian bookstores.

Some girls wait to make their decision until after the baby is born. Most make the decision to relinquish sometime during their pregnancy. If the latter is the case, a girl’s attitude toward her pregnancy will differ from the girl who plans to keep her baby. The girl who plans to keep her baby willingly puts up with the discomforts of pregnancy because the end result makes it all worth it. The relinquishing mother has no such comfort. It is not unusual for a relinquishing mother to be angry with, or show no interest in, her pre-born baby during pregnancy. Often times these feelings can be successfully worked through if she is able to verbalize them. For this reason the shepherding family and other close associates should not be afraid to refer to the pregnancy and the baby. Their attitude will encourage the girl to assess her feelings and to talk about them.

The shepherding family is in an excellent position to help prepare the girl for the emotions she may experience after the adoption. In relinquishing a baby, a girl goes through much of the same grief process as one who has lost a child in death. The difference is that this loss is the result of a conscious decision on the mother’s part. This, of course, can result in tremendous feelings of guilt. Accompanying this may be grief, anger, ambivalence and depression. These emotions should be discussed beforehand so the girl is not overwhelmed if she experiences them after the birth of the baby.

Within the shepherding family, the nobility and selflessness of the act of relinquishment should be stressed. It is our experience that a girl’s attitude toward the issue of adoption is influenced by the attitudes of those around her. This is not to say that she will not experience grief and guilt if she is in a supportive atmosphere. Yet, positive reinforcement significantly lessons these feelings and speeds along the grief process

Well before the baby’s due date, the girl’s coach (usually the shepherding family mother) should discuss the following concerns with her:

1. Does she wish to hold her baby after birth?

2. Does she want photos of the baby’s birth or afterwards?

3. Would she like to write a letter to her baby?

4. Would she like to write a letter to the adoptive parents?

5. Would she like to buy or make a gift to go with the baby?

The ideas listed above have proven to help facilitate a healthier grieving and healing process. Holding the baby allows the girl to focus her grief and to say farewell to her infant. Writing a letter to the child explaining why she chose to relinquish him helps to ease the guilt. It also assures her that her child will know she acted out of love and in his best interest. Sending a gift with her child is like sending a little part of herself. It is comforting to the relinquishing mother to know as much as possible about the adoptive parents. Many agencies now allow the girl to choose the couple she wants from a number of prospective couples presented to her. She is allowed to know all the pertinent information except who they are and where they live. There is also a growing acceptance of allowing the girl to meet the adoptive parents. This is not advisable in all cases, but can have a very positive outcome in some. Some girls may not wish to follow any of the suggestions mentioned above. If this is the case, their wishes should be respected.

In the seventh month, the girl and her coach should attend childbirth classes to prepare for labor and delivery. During the last month of pregnancy, a visit should be made to the hospital and labor room. Arrangements should be made in advance for the girl to be placed on a non-maternity ward for recovery or to be taken home as soon after delivery as is safe. This prevents her from being in the same room as the other happy mothers and hearing the babies cry in the nursery.

Upon arrival at the hospital, the coach should take the initiative to inform the hospital personnel of the girl’s plans to relinquish. This will prevent many comments that would be painful to a relinquishing mother.

Immediately after the baby’s birth, the coach’s focus should remain on the girl and not shift to the baby. At this point, the girl may be curious about the physical appearance of her baby. Her natural curiosity should be satisfied by giving this information. After the baby’s birth, a girl who did not wish to see her baby may change her mind. The coach should be supportive and offer to be there when she holds her newborn.

Immediately after the baby is born, a relinquishing mother may experience ambivalent feelings because the baby is so close at hand. This period of time is when the coach can be the most helpful. Physical contact and talking can be a great comfort. As a shepherding family mother, I have coached all of our girls through labor and delivery. I remember one in particular who had chosen to relinquish her baby. After the baby was born, she was settled into her hospital room. We were both exhausted but were unable to sleep. I laid down beside her on the hospital bed and we held hands. During this time, we talked about feelings, emotions, past experiences and future hopes. We also imagined the joyous reception her baby would have when the adoptive parents were given their newborn daughter. This was a very special experience for me and a great comfort for her.

By the time the girl is brought home, she and the shepherding family mother are comfortable discussing the experience they have shared. Those at home may not know how to react. The shepherding family parents should prepare those at home. Flowers and gifts should be encouraged. Family and friends should be assured that it is acceptable to ask questions about the delivery, birth and the baby. This is an important aspect of the grieving process. The importance of this was shown to us by another of our relinquishing mothers. She had attended church with us throughout her pregnancy. A few weeks after the baby’s birth, she returned - obviously not pregnant. She was deeply hurt that no one even inquired abut her labor and delivery or about her baby. Even though these people acted this way out of ignorance, she saw it as lack of concern and caring.

During the recovery period, the shepherding family mother should spend extra time talking with the girl and be more physically affectionate than normal. If the girl likes animals, the gift of a kitty or puppy can help her focus her unspent mothering emotions. A week after her baby was born, one of our girls purchased a puppy. Never has there been a more held or loved animal!

We all tend to see adoption as a negative experience. While it is a difficult one for the relinquishing mother, it can also be a tremendous time of personal growth. In the end, a girl can actually feel better about herself, finding a new sense of self-worth because of her experience. It is a blessing for a shepherding family to witness this growth in one for whom they have cared.

Many times, when one mentions "private adoptions" the thought that comes to mind is "baby-selling". While this despicable practice does exist, most private adoptions are legal and done with the good of the mother in mind. We have participated in two very successful private adoptions. Although the experiences were tremendously rewarding, it is only fair that we share the problems involved. The first of these is payment of the girl’s medical expenses. Most doctors and hospitals require a deposit well before the due date. In this case the adoptive parents would pay the deposit and then the balance after the delivery. The biggest problem with this arrangement occurs if the girl changes her mind at the last minute. The hospital will not refund the deposit, nor will the girl be in a position to pay the balance. Even though the girl is sure she wants to relinquish, there is always the chance for last minute changes of heart. If this happens, not only is the money forfeited, but the adoptive parents suffer emotionally because of the great disappointment. Another problem posed in private adoptions is that of obtaining adequate counseling for the girl before and after the adoption. If you are affiliated with a pro-life group, this counseling may be available. If not, we recommend the workbook mentioned earlier from Loving and Caring, Inc.

There are many different types of licensed adoption agencies. While they are all licensed by the state, their policies and procedures can differ significantly. We recommend that you affiliate with a Christian adoption agency that places infants only into Christian families. Even after an agency is located, review their adoption policies before your selection is made.

The major concern in looking for an agency is whether they allow the girl to know about the adoptive couple. Many agencies even select five to ten suitable families and then allow the girl to decide between them. In our experience, the grieving process is much healthier if the girl can visualize the adoptive parents and their surroundings. We encourage photos of the baby as it grows to be sent to the girl through the agency if at all possible. We would not consider an agency that does not offer any information about the adoptive parents to the girl.