After deciding to try to repair our marriage my
husband and I started going to church. It felt good to be back on track again. But I found
myself putting tremendous effort into convincing people that I was spiritual. I was always
gauging my performance. I almost felt panicked if I sensed that someone saw behind the
facade. I said all the right words and repeated all the Christian cliches but my heart was
like the inside of the house - a shambles. I dared not acknowledge this though because I
was working particularly hard at convincing myself of my spirituality. It took a lot of
energy to maintain my spiritual exterior!
Part of the reason was that, while maintaining the facade I was also
reconstructing my personality - sort of my gift to God! I somehow had it in my mind that
if I could become a better person, I would arrive spirituality. Not surprisingly, what I
wanted to become was a portrait of my alter-ego. (An alter-ego is the person you want to
be. This usually embodies all of those traits that are the opposite of the ones that you
have.)
I have a very strong personality. I can be loud and outgoing and
very frank. These traits, when combined with insecurities and a poor self image can be
detrimental to emotional well-being. For many years the results were fractured and
strained relationships and wounded egos - usually mine. I hated these traits in myself so
I decided to do something about them. I would become soft spoken, regal, kind, gentle,
dignified, wise and command the respect of everyone - including myself! As if changing my
whole personality wasn't enough, I had somehow thrown my spiritual maturity into the
equation. I figured that if I could become all of those things I would also become
spiritual. When I perfected my new personality I would "arrive" spiritually.
I found the embodiment of what I wanted to become in a dear
Christian sister named Martha Jo. She was what I wanted to be. So, every morning I would
set out to be like Martha Jo. I never actually SAID this is what I was trying to do. But
in retrospect it is very clear. I was doomed from the start. I could only carry off the
"Martha Jo routine" for a few hours at best. In a moment of abandon the real me
would leak out. I always ended up feeling like a failure. But, I would pick myself up,
dust myself off and try again, and again, and again and again. And so it went. The worst
part was when I failed I also felt I was a failure spiritually. Afraid that others would
see this, I worked all the harder to make sure people perceived me as super spiritual. The
most frustrating thing of all was that I was making all of these changes for God - so I
could do great things for Him with my new, super spiritual, socially acceptable
personality, and He wasn't cooperating! And so it went - until I finally got so sick and
tired of trying and failing that I decided to give up. That was the turning point in my
life!
