I'm afraid I have made surrender sound simple. And
you may be saying, "Yes, I get it - I see what you mean." But in reality it can
be terribly painful. The pain comes from honestly facing your sinfulness. It hurts to
admit that you are not the ideal Christian woman. That you are in fact, stuck in the same
muck and mire of wretchedness that we like to pin on the other person. It hurts to
dismantle our illusions of ourselves and wrestle with the truth. The surprising thing is,
when you start to seriously surrender, you may be shocked to find that you DON'T WANT TO
LOOK AT, MUCH LESS SURRENDER your honest feelings.
I remember sharing surrender with a young man. I knew him as a
teenager when he often came to our home to escape an emotionally abusive father. We had
long, honest talks. But, when he became an adult he lost that honesty. Although he was
very involved in church, he was also involved in some sinful behavior that could have only
led to devastating emotional, spiritual and social consequences. When faced with the
truth, he refused to acknowledge it.
One day we were talking and he made the statement that he had prayed
and prayed but God just would not take away his bad feelings toward his father. I shared
with him that the path to forgiveness came through acknowledging his sins of bitterness
and hatred and surrendering these feelings to God. In the end I invited him to pray with
me, asking specifically if he was willing to surrender his hatred toward his father. He
looked at me and said, "I guess I really don't want to quit hating my dad. I don't
want to surrender it." "If that's the case," I replied, "don't blame
God for not doing His job. You enjoy your bitterness and want to hate your father."
Sadly, he agreed. He has continued to live his life in bondage to his hatred. It continues
to affects all of his relationships both to God and to others. Yet, when he was shown the
path to freedom he chose bondage.
Karen, my "poor broken slob" friend, had a similar
reaction to my message of surrender but with a totally different outcome. I first met
Karen when she scribbled me a note after I had given a speech against abortion at a local
church. It said, "I have had an abortion and my two year old son was born out of
wedlock. Let's talk." Afterward Karen gushed about how she used to be wretched but
now God had worked everything out in her life and she was so happy. It took only a few
visits with her however, for me to realize that this was not true. She was very bitter.
Her cynicism and sarcasm masked deep, unresolved wounds.
One day as we were talking I said to her "Karen, you're really
bitter. You're bitterness hangs around you like a shroud." She told me later that she
thought to herself, "Go to hell, lady, I'm not bitter!" Her defensive response,
however betrayed tremendous inner turmoil. As we continued talking however, she broke down
and cried. "Yes," she said, "I am bitter. I have a reason to be
bitter." The fact was, she was filled with hatred. The father of her unborn baby had
talked her into an abortion, had driven her to the clinic and dropped her at home
afterwards, never to return. He did not deserve forgiveness! I shared the path to peace
through surrender but she wasn't interested. She said, "I will NOT surrender my
hatred! My hatred is like a wall around my heart, protecting it. If I quit hating I can be
hurt and I will never be hurt like that again!" I think even she was startled by her
own admission! But, it was honest. Not very noble - but honest. I agreed that she couldn't
surrender her hatred because she didn't want to. The first step is a willingness to do so.
I asked her if she could surrender her desire to keep her hatred - to protect her heart.
She agreed that she could do this. So, she prayed, "God, I want to keep this hatred,
I want to enjoy it. I want to be protected by it. This is what I give to you." She
laid this at the foot of the cross and for the first time, gave Jesus something He really
wanted - that walled off part of her heart. As she surrendered her desire to hang on to
her hatred, God began to soften her heart. Soon she was able to give God the hatred
itself. When Satan reminded of her rejection and pain, she had a choice. She either
entertained it or surrendered it. With each choice to surrender, it became a little
easier. After the hatred she was able to surrender the rejection, the bitterness and then
the guilt of killing her unborn child. From there God allowed her to look honestly at her
upbringing and her relationships and so many other things that shaped her life. Her
healing for her abortion was total and complete. And the prayer of surrender that was so
begrudgingly offered in the beginning has become a way of life for her.
