God has brought many post-abortion Christian women
across my path. Often they find it difficult to heal from their pain and find forgiveness
for their sin because of the attitude they encounter within the church! They know they
killed their own child. But, others are uncomfortable with this admission. They make
excuses. They offer cheap Christian cliches, assuring her that she is really a
"good" person. But she doesn't feel like a good person. She feels like a
murderer. And she wants people to acknowledge it - not deny it or make excuses.
I remember one woman who called me. She was depressed and desperate.
We started talking and it didn't take her long to break down and tell me that she had had
an abortion. She had killed her unborn baby and felt like a murderer. My response took her
totally off guard. "Yes, I said, this is true. You did kill your baby." Finally
someone validated what she was feeling! She went on to tell me how she was a failure as a
Christian. She knew God had forgiven her but she could NOT forgive herself. Her pastor had
solidified this feeling of failure when, through exasperation he demanded, "God has
forgiven you, why can't you just forgive yourself?" Again my response startled her. I
said, "You're right, you can't forgive yourself. You will never be able to forgive
yourself! It isn't in your heart or your will to do that. Only God can change your heart.
All you can do is admit what is really inside it and surrender THAT to God. You then
simply accept HIS forgiveness in its completeness and rest in that forgiveness with no
condemnation of self or others."
We talked for a long time and in the end she wept as she took out
all of the feelings she had been trying to overcome for so long and surrendered them to
Christ. Not only did she give Him the guilt and heartache from her abortion but she gave
Him her anger toward her mother who had forced her to have it. That night she found the
path to peace and healing at the foot of the cross. The kind of healing that works from
the inside out!
For Karen too, surrender became a daily routine. As the Holy Spirit
revealed what was in her heart she laid it at the foot of the cross. God allowed her to
see just how far He had taken her when one day about six months after our conversation,
she ran across a photo of her baby's father. If this had happened before she would have
gone into a long crying jag and been depressed for days. She was actually surprised when
she felt no emotion. There was just a peace. She could not claim any victory of her own
and therefore sidestepped spiritual pride. She had not strove so she was never in a
position to fail. God had done ALL of the work in her heart. She rejoiced at God's
faithfulness in taking her worst and turning it into His best. Since then God has used her
to minister to so many women who were in anguish over their abortion. Below is a poem
Karen wrote after God released her from her grief and sorrow and restored her to His joy.
It reflects the depth of her despair and the power of God's grace! While this poem deals
with her abortion, it is a poem that can apply to all of us who have accepted Christ's
atonement and experienced God's grace and mercy!
by: Karen Sullivan Ables
In a far away place and a different time
I killed my first child, a most heinous crime.
The state didn't come, and I didn't stand trial.
Judge Blackmun was calm when he said with a smile,
"Killing is legal, say we the High Court.
But don't call it murder. Just call it 'abort.'"
The judge in my heart would not let the case rest.
I had no defense when once put to the test.
Found guilty I was by my heart's Supreme Court.
"You murdered your baby!" They screamed in retort.
With tears on my cheeks it was too late I knew
To bring back the life of the child I had slew.
The gavel slammed down, and it rang in my head,
"You are guilty as charged, and deserve to be dead."
"We now give you torment to pay for your sin,"
Was the sentence passed down from my own court within.
"You will never escape. You're branded. Don't hide.
Your just due is death. You should try suicide."
I was beaten in prison by daily attack.
I was paying a debt, so I never fought back.
No hope of escaping, and this I knew well.
I cried out to God from my own self-made hell.
That day I met Jesus; He smiled in my face.
He said, "I forgive you. Come walk in my grace."
"Lord, I believe you forgive and yet,
Blameless you are. Can you pay for my debt?"
"And, Lord, please don't touch me for I am unclean.
I'm filthy with murder, a most wretched being."
I poured out my story. He showed no surprise.
I gazed up with awe at the love in His eyes.
He said, "I paid for your crime
yes, was nailed to a tree.
There's no condemnation if you'll trust in Me.
I took on your blame, and your curse on My soul
So you may be free without judgement, and whole."
I sputtered, "Dear Lord, where's the justice in this?
I killed my first son, and you offer me bliss?
Tears blurred my vision, yet there in His face
Were eyes of compassion, blue oceans of grace.
I thought to myself, "Now the past has been buried?
I'm free of the guilt that for years I have carried?"
He said to accept. It's a gift that is free.
This is atonement, not justice for me!
My judge was dismissed, my accusers and jury.
The truth of His love made them leave in a fury.
He smiled, "Walk with Me and come learn of My way,"
and grasping His hand I began a new day.
