I liken our hearts to a house. On the outside it is
beautiful. It is whitewashed to a sparkling brilliance. The boxes at the windows are
overflowing with beautiful flowers. The gingerbread trim, neat brick walk and orderly yard
make this house look picture perfect. Everyone who passes by admires it. Looking at it,
you dream of living in this house. So one day you decide to sneak inside, sure that it is
just as "perfect" inside as it is on the outside. But rather than being
delighted, you are shocked and appalled at what you find. It is a shambles. The floor
boards are rotted. The walls are filled with gaping holes. The ceiling is falling and the
stench of rotting garbage is overwhelming.
Our hearts are often like this house. We look so good on the
outside. We are involved in our women's group at church. We sing in the choir and teach
Sunday school. We respond dutifully when called upon for service. When the minister talks
about "wretched sinners" we do a quick inventory of our performance and are
relieved to find that we don't fall in that category. Others tend to agree. We love
(though we hate to admit it) to be alluded to as the exemplary Christian woman. The more
we perform, the more we receive praise and the more we perform - all for God, of course.
There's only one problem. God doesn't want or need any of the wonderful things we do. If
our God can "raise up rocks to sing his praises", Luke 19:40 do we really think
we are indispensable to Him? Now I've said it! I can hear the harumphs, and see the backs
stiffen. How dare I suggest that God doesn't need or appreciate what you do for him!
Please understand that I am not suggesting that God doesn't use what we do. Or that what
we do is not important to the church. But, God wants our heart first (the dirty inside not
the spiffy outside) and then these other things will follow in their proper order.
This concept is dramatically illustrated in the Old Testament. In
Psalms we find David praying to God for forgiveness for Uriah's murder. He prayed,
"For Thou dost not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; Thou art not
pleased with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a
contrite heart, Oh God Thou will not despise." Psalms 51:16 - 17 This is a most
remarkable prayer. God Himself established rituals of sacrifice and burnt offerings to
atone for a man's sin. It was the only recognized way a man could receive forgiveness. And
yet, here we find David, a man after God's own heart, saying that sacrifice and burnt
offerings were not pleasing to God. Look what David knew was pleasing to God - "a
broken and a contrite heart." Even under the Old Testament system of laws and
rituals, David recognized that it was his heart that God was interested in. And remember,
this prayer was not for some small infraction of the law - it was for murder!
What possible things could be in my heart that would be symbolized
by "rotting floors" and "stinking garbage?", you may wonder? This is
where it gets a little painful. Most of us have lots of rot and garbage in our heart. We
just never get up the courage or feel the need to examine it. Instead we simply apply
another coat of paint to the outside of the house and hope nobody looks inside.
How many of us harbor bitter feelings toward someone? What about the
hurt that someone caused that we can't forgive? Or maybe we actually hate someone - but we
feel justified because of the terrible thing they did to us. Other rot is more subtle -
rather like dry rot in wood. How many of us women have itchy ears to hear something bad
about someone we dislike? How many times have we heard the gossip prefaced with, "I
really love her but..." And what about that theater of our mind where we enjoy
rerunning over and over the scene where we exact revenge upon the person who hurt us? Or
how about that area of weakness in ourselves that we are trying to conquer by our own
might? We righteously point our finger at those with the same flaw hoping that by doing so
ours will go unnoticed. These are a few examples of our "rotting floors" and
"stinking garbage." These are the things God wants us to give to Him. And these
are the things we are so reluctant to give. In a perverse way we actually enjoy them. We
are entitled to these feelings and it's just not fair that we have to give them up!
You see, we fool ourselves into thinking we are really performing
for God. We paint and shine the outside of our house but He is not impressed. Neither,
however, is He surprised by what is inside our house. In fact, He knows every rotten
feeling we have, every bitterness, every hatred and every vile thought. He knows them and
He wants them. Like the tax-gatherer, when we come to Him declaring our wretchedness, He
hears our prayer.
When I faced a situation where I was totally helpless to change my
heart I had only one path open to me - to surrender. I could not fight to change my heart,
I could not strive to change my heart nor could I struggle to change my heart. My heart
wanted to hate. In the theater of my mind I shot that young man dead while his mother
watched. I wanted to hurt her as much as her son had hurt my little girl. I enjoyed my
mental revenge. Simply put, I was capable of murder! THIS IS WHAT I HAD TO OFFER GOD. I
had to admit my inability to overcome any of these feelings. I was capable of doing only
one thing with them - give them to God. My prayer was not, "help me forgive" -
forgiving was not within me. My prayer was, "take my hatred and replace it with YOUR
forgiveness." God's forgiveness is infinite and all encompassing.
