That day in the courtroom my heart was permanently
changed. I am no longer obsessed with vengeance. I no longer want to immerse myself in
hatred. But, I still have to deal with seeing this boy around town. I had always heard the
adage "forgive and forget." Faced with my painful memories I knew this was
impossible. In pondering this I realized that the adage was dead wrong. How can I ever
forget what happened to my daughter? It would take a lobotomy to erase the memories that
come to mind upon seeing this boy. And in reality, do I really want to? How many social
and legal changes have come about through someone's tragedy? Mother's Against Drunk
Driving, Victims Rights Movement, Child Find - these and so many more groups rose up out
of the ashes of someone's painful memories.
In forgiving Peter I had to determine how this translated into the
reality of constantly seeing him around town. Did it mean I should smile and wave and
pretend nothing had happened? Did it mean I should socially interact with him when we
found ourselves face to face? NO! While I can honestly say I wish him no harm and pray
that he will put this behind him and find happiness in life, I am under no compulsion to
interact with him. I think forgiveness can be summed up with the phrase, "the absence
of malice." God takes us from hatred and bitterness to His rest and peace. If God
wants me to minister or interact with this young man, He will prepare my heart and place
this desire in me. It will then be genuine because it is of God. Otherwise, I will simply
rest in His peace.
I find the most warped misconception of forgiveness is found in
women who were molested as children. Many families, in their misguided understanding of
forgiveness do great harm to the victim. I remember talking to one young women named Sarah
who's uncle had molested her repeatedly as a young girl. Both Sarah's husband and her
family knew about what had happened but did nothing. They didn't even want to discuss it
and urged her to "put it in her past." Family gatherings went on like always
with the uncle as a welcome guest. This young woman understandably was having a very hard
time toward this uncle. She hated to be around him and felt dirty when he looked at her
knowing they shared such sordid memories. But overriding her very valid emotions was this
message:, "You are a Christian. You should forgive and forget. Put it in your past
and love him." And so she was locked in the destructive cycle of striving to change
her heart, failing and condemning herself. Sarah felt like a total failure as a Christian
because she could not forgive or forget and as a person because she was so emotionally
unstable.
Her husband decided to help her healing along by suggesting that the
"Christian thing to do" was to go out to a movies with this uncle - sort of a
way to patch things up and get a new start. She wanted to be a good Christian. So, even
though she felt revulsion and fear toward him, she went! When they got out of the car at
the movies he pinned her up against the door and gave her a passionate kiss. All of the
feelings of self loathing and guilt came rushing back with that kiss. As if in a rerun of
her childhood, she pretended it didn't happen and continued the evening! Inside however,
she was shattered. Not only did she have to deal with her hatred toward this uncle, she
was bitter toward her husband who was his unwitting accomplice! When I met her she was at
a crisis that threatened her family, her marriage and her very life.
This is a perfect example of the burden that Christians place on
each other. In the name of forgiveness her husband and family had unintentionally added to
her despair and victimization. Since the husband and the family refused to talk about the
incident and did not allow her to, Sarah could only come to one conclusion - something was
wrong with her! She must be a horrible, awful person and a complete failure as a Christian
if she had such ugly emotions about something that others saw as "no big deal."
In Sarah's situation there are two separate issues - Sarah's heart
and natural consequences. If Sarah had understood how to work through her abuse by being
honest and opening her heart to God in surrender, she could have forgiven her uncle
through God's grace. Forgiveness did not require that she forget what he did to her
though. Restoration of the relationship with her uncle was not a requirement of
forgiveness. Restoration depended upon his repentance and willingness to admit his sin.
Restoration and forgiveness are two different things. She would be perfectly within her
right as a person and a Christian to say, "I will not attend any family function
where my uncle is present." She would be completely within her right to say, "I
never want to see my uncle again." In doing this, the uncle would be suffering the
natural consequences of his actions. Even though he escaped the legal consequences, he
violated the trust between an uncle and niece and therefore gave up the rights to that
relationship. Unless he admits to his sin and seeks her forgiveness, her continued
interaction with him only continues the deceit.
The spiritual issue is Sarah's heart. As it was, she was consumed
with anger and hatred toward this uncle. The evil that was done to her in the past
continued to destroy her present. Satan has done his job well. Not only did he set out to
destroy the child, he knew that it would destroy the adult woman she would become. Only
through the intervention of God's grace can this destructive cycle be ended. This is what
God wants to heal. He has a place of rest and peace where she could be released from the
bondage of her hatred. This is God's forgiveness. If God then asks her to go beyond this
state someday to reach out to her uncle, it will be out of obedience to Him and He will
place that love in her heart!
